Men are From Mars
by SinsofYouth
Summary: When he wished on a star, all he asked for was some entertainment, what he got instead was something out of this world... SasuNaru AU. Rated for lemons. We're back baby!
1. Chapter1: The Encounter

**Disclaimer: This is so obviously not mine.**

**Yes, I will still update 'My Hero', but between chapters, I hope that you guys will be kind and allow yourself to be distracted by another of my mind's odd musings.**

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><p><strong>Men are from Mars<strong>

**Chapter_1: The Encounter**

The night was black. The stars twinkled and flashed: a million pinpricks in the endless black backdrop of space. They each reflected off his eyes, obsidian eyes, void and clear and so dark that they were their own little universe. In his eyes, the stars looked bright and clear, as if his own jaded gaze had been transformed into a separate galaxy, small and apart from the one into which the man now looked.

The moon also shone brightly in the velvet expanse, nearer to the earth than her sister planets which she could see rotating listlessly in the far distance. She cast her luminescence upon the man lying in the roof, and mourned that her face should be as perfect as his; her skin as white and flawless as his own. She envied the ebony silk which lay about the man's face, the long bangs gently caressing the soft cheeks and faultlessly formed cheekbones as the breeze teased them to sweep across his beautiful features. The sordid blackness which hung around herself could in no way compare to the perfection of this man's smooth raven hair.

The breeze, which did still stir and muss his hair, toyed with the man's dark blue shirt, easing down the simple crew neck and down the man's sculpted torso.

The man breathed deeply of the cool night air, of the sweet scent of Sakura and Camilla on the wind, allowing the calm to consume his mind. He exhaled; the worries and trial of his day temporarily forgotten in the languid peace of the moment. For a man like Sasuke Uchiha, problems rained like grains of sand in his life, and like the sand, never seemed to really go away, but clung to him. This portion of his day was vital to the survival of every bonehead he associated with on a daily basis. He liked the serenity of the stars, always right, ever present and exactly where they were supposed to be. They held a mystifying tranquility which had ever eluded the Uchiha's life, but now frustratingly more than normal.

Work, co-workers, boss, friends, all had seemed to suddenly become oppressive, aggravating.

He had worked the same job for the last eight years of his life, ever since he'd turned fifteen and was old enough for his father to legally employ him as a computer engineer. He had graduated from college at fourteen, a full year later than his older brother had. His master's degree had come eighteen months later. But despite all his best efforts, all that his father saw was Itachi, his heir and vice-president of Uchiha Corp. Sasuke had realized this sad reality long ago and had learned to ignore his frustration towards his father. It was an overachiever's prison the youngest Uchiha had found himself in after years of trying to please his insatiable father: plush and gilded, but no less of a cage for all of its comforts. And his friends…Sasuke had no friends. He had his work…and he had the stars.

Though he didn't even have his work to bury himself into anymore; Fugaku had made sure of that.

Lately, Fugaku, also the head of Uchiha Corp. had become argumentative and irritable. He would find arbitrary errors in the raven's flawless work and make him start a project over from scratch; he would call him into his office for no reason to talk for hours and then later rage at him about his lazy, shiftless ways. The man had even gone so far as to call him out in front of the board of share-holders about the fact that the color of his tie was unprofessional. Uchiha Corp. had become a battle ground and Sasuke didn't even know what he had done to set it off. It had all come to a head yesterday when the Uchiha patriarch had insisted that his son take an eighth of the vacation time he had saved up, a mandate which Sasuke knew had originated from his mother, and not his father's suddenly overinflated concern for his well-being. The question which now hung over Sasuke's head was simple: what was he going to do for the month Uchiha Fugaku had banned him from stepping foot into Uchiha Corps?

The options so far were not all that promising.

He could take a vacation, somewhere remote and tropical. But Sasuke had little desire to go somewhere he had never been by himself. He knew that he could invite any of the hundred women who worked at his building and get a very cheerful companion, but once more his apathy got in the way. He had no desire for such empty-headed company.

And so now he was doing the only other thing he could honestly think of to do, which was lie on the roof of his house and stare into the night's sky. It wasn't such a bad option, but he could only do it for twelve hours a day. He could sleep for no more than seven hours each night and thusly five hours of his day was as of yet, unaccounted for. Eighty hours total with which to…what?

The raven slid a little down the metallic roof he had had installed to replace the old shingles. It was nicer looking and he wouldn't have to replace it for a few decades; not that the Uchiha had to worry about his finances.

His job had granted him a fortuitous home that was large enough to house ten people instead of just himself. It was out of the way, which Sasuke liked, and afforded a generous view of the nearby woodlands which bordered the far southwest corner of his grounds.

A flash of light to the right caught his eye. Sasuke turned his head to track the foreign object which became clearer upon closer inspection. It was a meteor which lanced across the cosmos, streaking past the Uchiha's field of vision.

_A shooting star._

Distantly, Sasuke wondered how many others in Konoha had seen the star and were at this moment, casting their fervent prayers upon its celestial back.

His own wish was cast almost reflexively, subconsciously. It was something his Mother had shared with he and his brother while they had been young and still could stand the other's company. They had all three watched the night sky together, studying the heavens until each of them had gotten a wish.

Back then he'd wished for pointless things like toys and pets and happiness.

_I wish that I had something to do for the next month._

Sasuke sighed at his foolish wish. He'd find something to occupy his time.

A wry smirk toyed with the corners of his mouth. Maybe he'd visit his parents.

**.:xXXx:.**

Alarms blared and sirens shrieked. A smell reminiscent of burning fossil fuels and wet leaves permeated the cock-pit.

"Jitz!" The blond cried out repeatedly, frantically pressing what few buttons remained lit on the expansive control console in an attempt to stop any one of his mounting mechanical failures. But it was no use. As soon as he fixed one, three more would appear.

"Vez gramachez lem j'ourez!" The blond spat, slamming his fists into the flashing metal dash.

The lights went out.

"Ahhh!"

The emergency power flickered, but no more sirens went off. The old ones had shut off also since what little power was left would be needed to keep the pilot alive and critical systems functioning. One pad, the sphere surveyor lit up, but dimly. The screens white light battled with the impenetrable darkness of space.

On its sputtering surface was a planet, a single blue and green jewel slowly revolving against the black backdrop.

He checked the readings, those he could actually make out between flickers and power spikes. It was an oxygen based atmosphere; their main source of water was in liquid form and covered approximately seventy percent of the planet's surface. It was capable of supporting humanoid life; at least, he'd be able to breathe, the degree of difficulty after that would depend upon what other trace elements were mingled in. And just so long as there was no helium, he couldn't tell from the display.

The planet: Earth, was 1.45 light years away. Under normal circumstances that would've been the sort of jump he could do while blindfolded, but at the moment he had 0.72 left of one engine left.

This was his best shot.

"Vlas qwants ip mladen e bacc." The blond muttered, hurriedly pressing controls in preparation for what may be his last jump.

"Y gants mlade e bacc."

He took a deep breath…and pressed the lunch button.

**.:xxXXxx:.**

Something was wrong.

Sasuke's brow furrowed, a rare show of confusion, an emotion he only displayed when he was very, very alone. His eyes still trailed the meteor he'd spotted. But he shouldn't be able to still see it to track it. The celestial phenomenon ought to have consumed itself within seconds of it forming. It shouldn't still be gliding across the clear, cold sky. It shouldn't be getting…closer…bigger…brighter?

But it was. The luminescent ball of fire was coming to earth. It had already hit the atmosphere. It would burn up and blow away; maybe that was why it hadn't disappeared; because it was heading towards earth. Or maybe he had mistaken a comet for a meteor, but Sasuke would have bet money that he had nailed the off-handed tag. Besides, the tail was all wrong and it wasn't circling earth, it was striking the planet, burning up in the atmo-

But that wasn't true either.

Sasuke's frown deepened.

It had gotten through the air layers intact and it was…heading straight for him.

**.:xxXXxx:.**

"Kyez!" The blond hollered as his view screen was engulfed in flame, but it wasn't the calm, mellow blue tongues he was used to. This fire was bright, red-orange, hot and angry.

He had come out of the jump a split second too late and had been on top of the planet before he could say: "Jella planetions, Y ei e startion." Normally, he would've done better. But normally, he wouldn't have had to try jumping without all the proper equipment functioning. Heck, normally, he wouldn't have to crash-land on this random bloody world. And now that he was tearing dangerously through the oxygenated layers of atmosphere, he was beginning to wonder if he would live past his one 'abnormal' trip.

Whatever had remained of the emergency power had quit the moment he'd exited his jump point. There hadn't even been enough juice to close the screen-shutters, a malfunction he was paying for as the temperature in the cock-pit continued to rise perilously high.

Circuits sparked and sputtered while the very ship around him moaned in distress. It was coming apart at the seams and when it did, he was going to die. No one would ever find his body. He would be one in a million meteors to burn up and be blown away, whatever dust still remained of him fertilizing the soil of this strange world.

The ship shuddered violently once, and then again. It shook…and then he was out, still plummeting downwards without his stabilizers to slow his descent, but alive.

Through the blackened view screen he could make out what looked like buildings. His stomach rolled. This was bad. He couldn't land in the middle of a city, he had the galactic order to think about. But then his craft collided with something, briefly, but it was enough to turn the ship slightly. He was falling though a forest of some sort. The trees were growing thicker as his ship spiraled down. He would be safe from prying eyes when he went down at least.

The next order of business was to survive a crash-landing.

**.:xxXXxx:.**

He was running through the thick undergrowth, pushing past plants and ducking under low hanging branches. Little light made it through the heavy foliage which clung to the trees and if not for the small flashlight Sasuke had grabbed on his way out the door, he would've been lost by now.

The light's sallow beam glanced off the overgrown shrubbery, weaving a ghostly trail of shadow across the leaves and trees far behind them.

The Uchiha pressed though, in the direction he'd seen the meteor go down. He could smell something burning. He'd smelled something like it before at a gas station, but this held undertones of…organic…he couldn't describe it, but it didn't belong with that dirty fuel smell.

He caught a flash of red from between two trees, it was some ways off, but it was a sign. He was getting closer.

Sasuke wasn't really sure what it was he would find, though he wasn't honestly expecting too much. This was the most he'd had to do all day and he was not passing up the opportunity to see a meteor, especially not when one had landed basically in his back yard.

The forest suddenly ended and Sasuke was standing on the lip of a very large crater. The dirt spit up was dark and brown, the grass and whatever plants had been growing were nothing but blackened ash and in the center of the unnaturally excavated circle was…it.

It was still glowing, red-hot and sending an eerie glow over the violently churned earth underneath its gently smoking shell.

The Uchiha had switched off his flashlight and was about to head back home when a hiss of released air drew his attention back to the…meteor?

It was opening. A section of the rock's pitted surface was sliding open and an unlit hollow behind the panel was revealed.

Sasuke stepped behind a nearby tree, watching as a lone figure staggered from the…he couldn't say it, he couldn't even think the word; it was too bizarre. But it lay right there in front of him, smoking in front of him, the proof. It was incredible.

The figure stumbled on the loose dirt, falling to its knees before lunging to its feet and starting up again. This attempt failed as well. It was staggering and falling about as if it were drunk.

That it had been injured in the crash seemed plausible to Sasuke, though he wasn't sure if he should offer an alie…nope, he still couldn't say the word, help. He wasn't one to make rash decisions, but as the raven watched the…he sighed, the alien, wobble around the crater, unable to gain the lip five feet above his head, he made what was arguably the most impulsive decision of his life.

One moment he was watching, concealed behind an accommodating oak, the next he had his arms wrapped around a slender torso and he was pulling the humanoid visitor up to the top of the crater. If the creature ate him once Sasuke got him out of his dirt prison, then the raven hoped that it appreciated the fact that it had done what no earthling had accomplished. And many people had wanted to 'eat Sasuke up' over the years.

But no attempt was made to eat the Uchiha. Instead, once the pair had gained the lip, the extraterrestrial collapsed in exhaustion. Sasuke knelt by its side, getting a good look at the creature he'd just helped. It was humanoid in form, much like himself in essentials: two legs, two arms, torso, neck, one head, which possessed all the correct features in the correct locations and in the appropriate amounts. He carried a shock of unruly blond spikes and strangely enough, six whisker-esk marks upon his cheeks. And yes, it did appear to be a male, although Sasuke didn't completely substantiate that fact.

The alien opened its eyes and rolled on its side to look at its rescuer. Sasuke found himself staring into the bluest eyes he had ever seen in his life, they were wide and open, revealing every bit of the confusion it was feeling at the moment.

"Jella planetions," The man's voice was hoarse, but wryness of his smile was not lost on Sasuke. This creature was obviously amused by something. "Y ei e startion."

When Sasuke didn't respond to its statement, the blond frowned.

"Stlliz Y metnshe?" The raven said nothing, watching as frustration began to pool in the humanoids azure eyes. "Deet sharlen yets hakez mi fren?"

Sasuke was about to shake his head, try to get the moron to realize that he just didn't understand what it was saying. But a flash of awareness and something else twinkled in the alien's eyes: resolve.

Before he knew what was happening, the raven was being pulled down to the ground, his back squishing unpleasantly in something that smelled distinctly like mulch. But the thoughts about his soiled garment were roughly shoved to the side as another body dropped onto his. Sasuke would've told the…thing to get off of him, but his means of verbal communication was soundly cut off when a pair of lips sealed his own.

A foreign rush of hot fingers against his scalp pushed at his conscious mind. But it wasn't the blond on top of him. The alien's hands were busy pinning Sasuke's shoulders to the forest floor as his mouth continued to press against the man's pale, unresponsive lips.

The feeling intensified and was suddenly under the raven's skin. The fingers plunged through his skull in slow, alien infiltration until they seemed to touch his mind.

Waves of hot light lanced through the Uchiha's mind and he felt the fingers sliding through his grey matter like tentacles.

If there had been any space between their mouths, Sasuke would've growled. Since there was not, the man settled for notching the heel of his foot into the back of the extraterrestrial's knee and twisting. The world shifted and suddenly the Uchiha was the one in control. But the blond didn't seem concerned. It simply gripped the man's head in an incredibly strong grip, fingers tangling in raven spikes.

Impatience flared in the alien's eyes. The fingers in Sauke's mind poked at something and his mouth instantly opened. Well, there was one more item that the blond had which made him more humanoid. The creature's tongue lanced aggressively into the Uchiha's mouth, oddly enough, it didn't do anything more than slip under Sasuke's own fleshy appendage. The tip darted to the place were the raven's tongue met the left back corner of his gums and didn't move.

Satisfaction overcame the blonds' previous disappointment and the subtle feeling of fingers became white hot. Suddenly Sasuke knew what it felt like to be a flash-drive plugged into a USB port. He was being downloaded, every file in his mind systematical picked through. It seemed that the hands were in search of something in particular and once they found it…

The sensation changed. They were pulling now; the information was being drawn out of his mind like a spool of thread. The Uchiha could almost see the bright string of knowledge stretch between himself and the blond underneath who still had a tight hold of his head.

And then it was over, the tongue withdrew, pulling a thin filament of their combined saliva with it. Or at least, Sasuke hoped that it was saliva.

Slightly mortified, the raven stared down at the alien whom he had just…kissed. He wouldn't have been surprised if he heard the 'Twilight zone' theme song spring up in the background. This was…so wrong on so many levels.

For his part, the alien didn't look in the least bit ashamed, it looked, pleased, tired, but there was no mistaking the meaning behind the languid smile spreading across its whisker marked face.

"Hi planet creature." The alien spoke its voice weary. "I'm a creature from the sky and my name is…" He blinked sleepily before yawning. "Naruto…"

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><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> I'm making this one a comedy on purpose. 'My Hero' is going to be getting really intense soon so I've got to write something more upbeat to keep myself from the **Dark side.**

Rate and Review, it is the reason why I continue to write.


	2. Chapter2: Facilitating Communications

**Thank you all for the reviews!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Facilitating Communications<strong>

Naruto hadn't even realized that he'd fallen asleep until he opened his eyes.

Panic seized him an instant later as every horror story Kiba had ever told him about what planet creatures did to stranded aliens flashed vividly through his mind. If you let your guard down for an instant, you would wake up strapped to a horizontal surface while earth creatures stuffed awful things up where they had no business going. And he had! And now he was stuck here, strapped to this…horizontal surface and the guy who had rescued him was going to be back soon and…

"Release my bounds you _Hymolg_! Let me go!"

"Pipe down or you'll wake up the whole street."

The blond ceased thrashing for a moment while his wide blue eyes scanned frantically for his captor. He stood, framed by the open door, a tray in his strong slender hands.

A TRAY! That's where the awful things were, that's how earth creatures carried them! He was going to be tested and tickled and made to drink horrible things like…milk and sea urchins.

He began thrashing again. "I didn't mean to make you mad! I only did it because I couldn't understand you!"

He had done it to facilitate communications. He only did it because he could see that the raven haired man did not understand him at all. And it wasn't exactly forbidden to use his gifts on other species on other planets; it was simply frowned upon because it contaminated the culture or some stupid nonsense like that.

But he'd _had_ to. At the time he'd had no idea what was going on, or even which planet he had even _bloody_ landed on.

Bloody? The blond tweaked his head to the side and pondered the alien exclamation. Yes, he decided at last, it was a part of the vocabulary Naruto had pulled from the alien's cerebral database. But it was such an odd thing to select as a curse. What strange people lived here...wherever here was.

Naruto felt a pang of regret that he hadn't pulled out some of that information as well while he had been retrieving information. Ah, well, but now that he could speak to it, it would be able to answer those questions and he would know that way too.

The planet creature was staring at him, the blond realized as soon as he paused to look a second time. Well, actually, it was more intense than a regular stare; it carried more analytical musings and focused thought than Naruto had seen in eons. His mind unconsciously stretched out, determined to share those deliciously decisive thoughts.

But he yanked the threads back harshly. That's what had gotten him into this mess in the first place. Besides, he could not fully express his talent unless he was in contact with the second and the earth creature was across the room from him.

"Let me go and you will never hear my shouts in your ears."

The raven huffed and stepped gracefully to his side before setting the tray down on a small wooden table which seemed to have been placed for such need. Did this mean that Naruto was not the first star creature this…human had encountered? Was he merely one in a long line of tickled and poked aliens?

He squirmed as the brunette reached for him. This was it. He was going to start tickling him now! Oh…he hoped it wouldn't hurt too much.

And then his bonds were releasing, and two hands were pulling him upright.

"You were tangled in the sheets, moron."

The blond looked down at the large white cloth which had held him prone to the soft horizontal surface and decide that he didn't like these…sheets; not at all.

He glanced sheepishly at the raven. "In all sincerity I apologize."

The planet creature looked unimpressed.

"You can speak English now."

Naruto blinked. Why wasn't this planet creature running around and screaming? And why wasn't he coming any closer with that tray of horrible things to torture him with? Weren't those the tow options Kiba had told him about? Isn't that what planet creatures did?

"Yeah, uh…yeah!" He stammered in surprise, completely at a loss, now that he no longer needed to comfort the...man with words and speeches about how he meant no harm to this civilization. This…alien was astonishingly rational, standing with his shoulder against the doorframe, glaring death at him. This wasn't what he'd expected at all.

The alien snorted. "Not very well, apparently."

Naruto growled. "Well, if I couldn't get good language from your head, the blame gets to be put on you!"

The planet creature almost smiled. Naruto was sure he saw the lips quirk up for a split second before returning to their former downturned position. He felt a pang of regret at seeing the smile go. The man looked nice when he smiled.

"Try not to sound so stupid."

"_Gopfeek_," The blond shot back, unintentionally slipping into his first language for a moment. "I possess no stupidity in my stomach. You are mentally deficient for running into a forest blindly."

The raven arched an eyebrow. "I wasn't expecting an alien to crash in my backyard."

Now Naruto felt stupid. Of _course_ this creature hadn't thought it was actually a living breathing alien creature he would find, _that_ would just have been absurd. But when the planet creature had realized that he had seen an alien, why had he helped Naruto? Why hadn't he called the enforcers of this world? And why, after Naruto had initiated 'e Shalah', was the raven still sitting here and talking to him instead of cowering in fear? This alien didn't make any sense at all!

Sasuke arched an eyebrow at the obvious pout on the blonds' face. That was something he hadn't expected to see. Although, he supposed that this entire night was going in that general direction.

"Why do you not show me your fear?"

Sasuke glanced at the alien who doing a fair attempt at an Uchiha glare. He didn't have anything on his brother though. He snorted.

"Che, as if I could be afraid of someone so pathetic."

"I am not pathetic! I got your speak didn't I?"

_Language, he got my language. _The raven clarified before answering. "That's something I want to clarify. Just how did you…" He was at a momentary loss. It was strange to think that he was sitting down and talking to the creature that had, only moments ago, invaded his mine and taken information, but he wanted to understand what the alien had done. "You touched my skin and something happened."

The blond nodded his head vigorously, his wide blue eyes peering expectantly at his companion as if urging him to go on.

"You are some sort of…touch-telepath. If you can come into contact with the victim's skin, then you are able to link minds with them."

The alien seemed to mull this over for a moment before shrugging. "Good guess for planet creature. It's close. I have to make my soul sing with yours in order to fully initiate e Shalah."

"Excuse me?"

Sasuke was caught for one infinitesimal instant between laughter and sheer dumbfounded silence. He just didn't know how to react to what this creature before him; this ALIEN, was trying to communicate.

"Your soul sings with mine?"

Naruto sighed in exasperation. _E_ _Shalah_ wasn't exactly the easiest thing to explain and this plant creature was demanding very thorough explanations in words that Naruto was not used to at all. It would just be easier if he…

The blond alien grinned. Sasuke opened his mouth to ask what was so amusing a fraction of a second before he was grabbed on both sides of his head and dragged disturbingly close to the blond.

His eyes went wide.

"Don't you dare,"

But he could already feel the alien's metal fingers picking through his cerebellum, searching for something. The raven tried to pull away and heard a disapproving rumble in his ears, but not from the blonds' physical body. The sound was literally being poured into the synaptic pathways that registered noise, from the inside.

/Don't pull away. I can explain things better this way, I can use your own words. Please don't be angry, but this is the best solution for both of us./

Sasuke didn't answer right away. The previously probing fingers had stilled in what he assumed was an attempt on the aliens' part to be respectful. It was something he had never had to contemplate the pros and cons for. He'd never had an alien asking permission to enter his mind before.

/Fine,/ He thought at last. /But if you poke into more than just vocabulary or grammar, I will hand you over to the government. /

/Fair enough,/ The blond thought it would be counterproductive to ask what grammar was. Besides, now that he had the raven's mind spread out before him like a twelve course meal, he could find out for himself. Oh…that's what grammar was…

/Hey, usuratonkachi, what are you doing looking around in there?/

/Relax, I'm just trying to absorb everything I can before I try and explain stuff to you./

The raven's huff wouldn't have been audible if Naruto hadn't been inside his head. /You say that while you're running around in my mind./

/Stop whining, I'm being careful./

/Did you tell your parents that before you crash landed here?/

/Don't be a jerk, no wait…never mind…I just found out that it's just a genetic problem, you can't help it./

The raven closed his eyes, fighting the annoyed sigh that was threatening to escape his lips.

/Hurry up/

/Hold your horses, I'm almost done. Hey, do you actually have horses?/

/No,/

/Then why would I tell you to hold them if you don't have any?/

/Usuratonkachi, it's a figure of speech, now hurry up./

/Hey! I just found out what that means! Don't call me dead last, for all you know, I'm the most intelligent person on my planet./

Sasuke surprised himself by snorting.

/If that's true then I pity your race./

/You are really starting to tick me off./

/That's my line. It is, after all, my brain you're using as a data kiosk./

/Well you…wait, that's it!/

/What's it?/

The alien pulled out so suddenly that the Uchiha's mind spun dizzily.

"That's the metaphor!" Naruto exclaimed. "I'm what you would call, an external hard drive, and I plug into your USB to link and share information back and forth."

"Hn," The Uchiha pushed his hands off his pale cheeks. "Well, the next time you feel like 'sharing', use your mouth."

"But that's how we talk on my world." The blond protested. "It's not supposed to be threatening or invasive. It's just…well…there's no reason to be frightened."

The raven stood up. "We've already covered this moron, I'm not afraid of someone as pathetic as you are."

"Look, it's not like I planned on crash landing here and if I'd known that you'd be the one that found me, I would have crashed somewhere else."

"Like you had the option."

"No, but I have an option now and I am fed up!" Naruto blinked as he thought about what he'd just said. He hadn't ingested anything in the last four cycles so he wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to be fed up with, but the words had seemed appropriate. Anyway, he was still mad, yes, still mad at the planet creature who had saved him. So he was leaving.

"I'm leaving!"

He kicked off the hated sheets and sprang off the bed, stumbling a little. The gravity was heavier here than on his world, something else he would have to get used to. Before the raven could make anymore smart comments, he was out the door and gone.

"Idiot," Sasuke shook and retrieved the tray of food off the night side stand. That alien wasn't going to last an hour on his own. The Uchiha shook his head and walked away, leaving the bed unmade. None of that was his problem anymore.

.:xXXx:.

Naruto was horribly, terribly and hopelessly lost; which wasn't as awful as it might have been given that he had no desire to go back to that…Gopfeek.

He wasn't usually so irritable. He was actually known for being perpetually optimistic where he came from. That planet creature just knew how exactly to press his buttons. Except that the guy hadn't really seemed to be trying and maybe that had been part of it too. True, the raven had, when pushed, offered a dry witticism in return, but he'd remained aloof while he did it, empirical, detached. He was the kind of person Naruto disliked the most, the kind that thought they were better than everyone else. Like the Akatsuki, imperious bastards. That guy would get along great on that planet.

A loud high-pitched shriek blasted Naruto's ear drums. The alien cried out and dropped into a low crouch, covering his head from the rampaging Glakak. And then he remembered that he wasn't on his planet and there probably weren't any Glakak's to go rampaging at the exact same time he realized someone was looking at him.

He straightened slowly, trying to act as much like a planet creature as he could.

The planet girl had pink hair.

Naruto blinked in surprise and stared before realizing that this was not a natural thing to do. So he made a big show of turning away and staring into the nearest window with rapt attention. Thankfully, the stiff creatures with no faces didn't seem to mind it when he stared at them.

"Don't you think they're the cutest?"

The girl creature had come up beside him and was staring into the window as well. She glanced at him expectantly, apparently waiting for his answer.

Naruto studied the immobile figures for a moment and then spoke. "They are very plain and they didn't seem very friendly. I don't think they are cute at all."

The girl looked from him to the window and back again, her face screwed up into a strange mixture of humor, curiosity and disconcertion.

"The clothes aren't…friendly?" She asked the question slowly. Naruto bit back a groan.

She'd been talking about the clothes; of _course_ she'd been talking about the clothes. In an effort to redirect the conversation he turned to her and smiled brightly. "Oh, the clothes, yeah, sorry, I thought you were talking about the...um…" He gestured vaguely to the figures he couldn't find a name for.

"You thought I was talking about the mannequins?" The girl peered closely at him, far too near for Naruto's comfort and his species thrived on physical contact. "Why would I think mannequins were cute?"

"I don't know?" Naruto was starting to panic. Maybe if he tried to sound stupid she would leave him alone. But much to his dismay, the pink-haired girl creature did not leave, she leaned closer.

"Hey, Sakura, have you seen Chouji anywhere?"

Naruto screamed in surprise and whirled to the left, sharing wide-eyed at the new girl creature peering inquisitively at him.

"No, sorry Ino," The one name Sakura replied, but 'Ino' no longer seemed interested in Chouji's whereabouts, she was instead staring at Naruto as if he were a piece of rather succulent desert.

"Who's that?" She didn't even bother concealing her whisper, or her appreciative looks.

"He's, um…" Sakura paused before turning back to Naruto. "What is your name?"

"My…name?" The blond alien gulped. He hadn't thought about how to pronounce his name in this planet's warbling language, he never tried it.

"Yeah," Both females were looking suspiciously at him now; the exact opposite of what he wanted. "You know: the thing that people call you when they want you. The thing your parents gave you the night you were born. _That_ thing."

"I know what a name is." The blond huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, looking for all the world like a petulant six year old. "And I have one."

"So…" The girls were waiting.

Naruto took a deep breath. He was going to butcher this thing so badly.

"It's Ooo-zoo-ma…"

"Uzumaki Naruto,"

A three heads turned to face the newcomer and Naruto felt himself go rigid and hot all at the same time. It was…it was…

"Sasuke!" The two female's squealed together and rushed up to the raven haired individual. Naruto noticed a decisive look of pain on the brunette's face before it was smoothed over into stoicism.

"So how is it that you know, um, Naruto?" Sakura asked sweetly, not even bothering to glance in the blonds' direction.

Sasuke and Naruto locked gazes for a heartbeat…two and then finally, the raven said. "He's a friend visiting from a foreign country."

Naruto had forgotten how to breath in the span of those two heartbeats. He was gasping in lung-fulls now though, and with such force that Ino actually turned away from Sasuke for a second to ask if he was dying.

"That was so wonderful of you, Sasuke, to take Narutoot into your home. You're so selfless and kind."

"Naruto,"

"Whatever,"

Naruto didn't think the words had anything to do with one another, but then, he still hadn't full grasped the subtleties of this language yet.

He had, however, seemed to grasp the subtleties of Uchiha Sasuke's facial features exactly. And when Sakura took a step forward and touched her hand to his elbow, the raven's face practically exploded. For a second, Naruto was frightened that Sasuke was going to murder the female creature. Before anyone could make a move to kill or be killed, the alien stepped between the pair and started walking Sasuke in the opposite direction, pasting a bright smile on his face.

"It was really nice meeting you, Sakura and Ino, but I have to…I, forgot to do something and I want my good friend Sasuke to see what it is. Have the grandest of days."

He waved and doubled their pace, ducking around a corner before either girl realized that he was stealing away their precious Sasuke.

"Idiot, let go of me. I don't want to catch whatever alien disease it is that makes you so stupid."

Naruto stuck his tongue out but the raven had already shrugged his hand off. "You think that diseases make people stupid and I'm the dumb one? How do you get dressed in the mornings when all you've got to think with is that big empty space between your ears?"

The Uchiha glared menacingly at Naruto before shaking his head and muttering under his breath. "I don't even know why I bothered."

Oh, yeah…the raven had rescued him…hadn't he?

"Hey…" Sasuke glanced up and blinked in startled surprise that would've been invisible to anyone but the blond alien who was suddenly very, very close to him.

"What are you doing, usuratonkachi?" He moved to step back, but the blond caught his shirt and moved in, stretching up to reach the taller man's lips.

"I'm saying thanks for rescuing me."

The kiss was nothing dramatic or passionate. It was a brush of lips, a whisper of pressure, a gentle breath and then it was over.

The Uchiha pushed Naruto away and started walking down the narrow street towards home. He heard the patter of bare feet behind him and then a mat of bright blond spikes was bobbing next to him.

"Who said you could come?" He asked shortly, surprising himself when he realized how much he was actually kidding the blond.

Naruto huffed dramatically. "I thanked you for saving me from those female planet creatures. Why wouldn't you welcome me back into your home with open arms?"

Sasuke smirked. "On this planet," He told the alien. "Only girls thank people that way."

He waited for the message to sink in.

One… Two… Three… Four-

"Uwha! Are you saying I'm a girl? Because I am so not!"

"Naruto, pull up your pants."

"Not until you tell me what a manly alien I am."

Sasuke started walking again, leaving a very exposed Naruto to hastily dress and follow.

"So, I'm still allowed to stay at your place right?"

The raven wanted for all the world to say no and let this moronic mischief maker to his own devices, but he'd seen just how far those useless things had taken him. He was a decent human being, he could be cold, calculating, and brutally utilitarian, but he was still a living, breathing human being. And, like it or not (It was mostly just not) this annoying little bundle of radiant energy had crash landed in his lap and he couldn't just kick it and walk away.

"Only because you couldn't make it an hour on your own."

"What are you talking about? I was able to blend in perfectly."

"Yes, because the conversation I overheard was very natural."

"Who knew she was talking about man-e-kings?"

"Mannequins,"

"Yeah, those stiff people who don't have any faces and don't care if you stare at them."

Sasuke sighed.

This was going to be a long month.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: Please forgive the spellinggrammar/ and whatever plot holes that you find. This is a therapy story for me, partially to get my story mojo back for 'My Hero'. And Partially because things are going to start getting really intense very soon, so I need to get my mind out of the dark.**

**Review! Or I'll make Itachi come back from the dead...oh wait...that already happened... AH! 'Runs for her life'**

**Until next time!**


	3. Chapter3: First Real Contact

**Thanks for all the reviews!**

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><p><strong>Chapter_3: Tee hee...contact...<strong>

Naruto stared in dumbfounded disbelief at the paper in his hand. Well, the piece of paper wasn't so shocking. It was the planet creature words written in neat pen strokes which spelled out the seven _worst_ house rules he had ever come across in his entire existence.

You are under no circumstances to leave the house unless accompanied by myself.

You are prohibited from speaking to me, interacting with or to me by any means verbal, physical, human or alien.

The main living room, the bedroom I have assigned to you and its adjoining bathroom are the three rooms to which you have free access.

If you are found in any other than the aforementioned quarters, you will be confined to your bedroom for one standard Earth week.

You will under no circumstances authorized to touch any items besides what you find in the three previously mentioned rooms.

If you touch, damage or break any items besides those found in the three rooms stipulated, you will be confined to your bedroom for one standard Earth week.

You will under no circumstances initiate any physical contact with me or attempt to read my mind.

If you at any point in time attempt such, you will be confined to your room for one standard Earth month.

"You have got to be kidding me!" He waved the paper in front of the Uchiha's face. "I'm not a kid. You can't send me to my room if I do something you don't like."

"Rule number two,"

The blond started to check the sheet, realized what he was doing and shoved it away instead. "I'll talk to you whenever I want to, however I want to. I don't care how many rules I'm breaking!"

The raven didn't respond, but turned and walked away.

"Hey, wait,"

To Naruto's surprise, Sasuke actually turned in the doorway to face him. That surprise was quickly replaced by annoyance when the raven opened his mouth to speak.

"Rules three and four."

"I am not a pet!" The blond yelled at Sasuke's retreating form. "You cannot keep me contained within this place! I will not be restricted in this way! Your lists and rules and regulations will not hold me inside these walls! I won't…"

He realized suddenly that he was yelling at no one. The hall in front of him was empty.

Naruto blinked, trying to remember whether the raven had turned off into one of the doors studding the long hallway. His memory seemed to be failing him.

The blond sighed. Now that he had no one with which to vent his irritation, he found the exasperation was quickly fading. Now he was just bored.

Naruto turned back to face the large living room. It was huge. The walls were painted blue and all the furniture was black.

Why did the Uchiha give him such a depressing room to stay in? He glanced back down the hall. Despite his display of bravado, he didn't want to upset his host any more than he already had. And he knew a sure-fire way of getting the planet creature miffed was to shluff off his rules. So, he would have to stay here…until the 'hue-mon' was ready to come out and play.

He sighed before sinking down onto the bland black couch. He had a feeling this was going to be a long wait.

**.XX.**

The monitor glared back at him in docile serenity. And the Uchiha realized that he had been staring at the blank screen for… He glanced at the clock. Nearly a quarter of an hour had passed this time.

Sasuke's brows furrowed in irritation. It was no use; no matter how hard he tried, he could not seem to keep his mind from the extra-terrestrial sitting in his secondary living room.

Why had he taken it into his house? Why had he decided to take care of it? The idiotic creature wouldn't have lasted a single day on the streets by itself. But it wasn't like it was his fault that it crash-landed here and had to deal with a new culture.

A tiny voice in the back of his mind whispered. 'But you did wish…'

He squashed that thought trail immediately. He didn't believe in wishes. He was a man of logic and reason. It wasn't his fault that the alien crashed on this planet and was currently screwing up his life.

Well…it had been…a few hours since the raven had left his 'houseguest' and he hadn't heard a peep.

Sasuke reached out and flipped his computer closed. It was time for lunch. The alien had been good; at least he hadn't heard the creature since he'd been here. Granted, he was in an entirely different section of the house, but still. Maybe the blond deserved a few props.

The raven stood, his sock clad feet sinking into the plush carpet. He padded out to the hall and back to the living room.

**.XX.**

He was bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored…

He didn't know how long he had sat on this squeaky piece of furnishing, it wasn't like he could read this planet's time counters.

All he knew was that he was bored out of his mind.

He was getting grumpy.

He was hungry.

He was horny.

He was…horny?

Naruto looked down in disbelief. But there was no denying the rather large tent in the front of his borrowed sweatpants.

How was it that this happened? Blue eyes shot to the wall he had been studying for the last…immeasurable period of time. No, it really wasn't sexy or stimulating enough to have caused this physical reaction in him.

This was unacceptable. He decided. He could not become aroused as a guest in this planet creatures' residence. It was rude. And if it persisted, he would have to take it to its natural conclusion. No, no, no! He was certain that this particular planet creature might have some sort of cerebral hemorrhage if he caught Naruto…relieving the ache in his home. He had to get rid of it some other way.

Naruto grit his teeth and set about the unappealing task of shrinking his…well…to put it in planet creature terms…his dick. After thirty minutes of hard…uh…hard...work, with nothing to show for it besides a steadily increasing manhood, he was beginning to realize that he only had the one option left.

The blond peered down the long quiet hallway. Nothing moved in the great beyond.

Shutting the door as quietly as he could, Naruto began to search for the optimal spot to…take care of his 'problem'.

Now, in order to understand the full extent of Naruto's situation, it must be explained that his species is a very communal society. As they developed as a planet, as a culture, their touch telepathy became a centralized part of their daily lives. It was attributed in some way to every aspect of their existence. All creatures were connected, shared, lived and loved together. Physicality and transcendent thought were as one. They were never questioned for motive beyond good will and the desire to share whatever great thoughts or feelings one had experienced.

This principle counted doubly so when it came to ones sexuality. It was not typically an activity sheltered and hidden. It too was an experience to be shared with others. Naruto was taught not to be ashamed of his impulses. But it was more than that. He was taught that it was almost wrong to _not_ share such a marvelous knowledge.

Naruto was very alone at the moment. He had no idea where the planet creature was right now. And even if he did, it wasn't as though he would walk up to him, say: 'I require that you share my experiences while I ejaculate.' and expect the raven to understand. He would probably be thrown into his bedroom for a week.

So he was left with one option, though it wasn't something he was very good at. He'd never had a problem finding someone with which to share before. If he touched the couch, or somewhere the Uchiha had come into contact, he might be able to read the surface images and manufacture someone with which to allocate his understanding.

He slid back down to the couch and began running his fingers across the squeaky surface.

It wasn't the option he would have preferred. But it was all he had.

The blond could feel the stray filaments of refracted thought. Those gossamer strands were all that remained of a memory. The tips of his fingers tingled lightly when he began to pull it into himself.

A time bleared image slid over his eyes as Naruto shut his eyelids. He would have to concentrate for this to work. Otherwise, his subconscious wouldn't let him complete.

He could distinguish the ravens' distinctive hairstyle. The planet creature was sitting on the couch, he was sitting across from two older creatures, one male, the other female. They were speaking, but Naruto couldn't make out the words. What mattered, though, was that the raven was present.

The alien's hand slipped down underneath the loose elastic waistband to teasingly touch his awakened flesh. He hissed in appreciation, but his mind wouldn't accept the pleasure. He was not sharing.

The blond began to toy with the memory, to shift the focus. The raven was on the couch, but so was Naruto. They sat next to each other, side by side; close enough to touch. He could almost feel the heat from the body so close to his own.

He stroked hesitantly up and down his shaft. Blood thrummed in his ears and endorphins danced under his skin. It was so good, but it wasn't going to be enough. His mind wasn't fooled.

But he needed more.

The 'hue-mons' fingers had joined with his, aiding in the gentle teasing pulls that had his head spinning. The raven's hand was long, his fingers slender, but they were surprisingly strong.

His breath was beginning to come out in sharp pants, hot and heavy as the man's pale digits moved down to rub his glands.

Not enough.

The man's other hand joined with the first and Naruto was flying.

As he continued to squeeze and circle his sacs, the raven's index finger began to message the head of Naruto's heavy manhood. And then they curled possessively around the shaft; began pumping at a brutal pace which had the blond teetering on the edge.

But it still wasn't enough. His mind would not accept that this was real. He knew it wasn't but…maybe that was the problem.

He would have to try harder. Because his erection was getting painful now and would only get worse if he couldn't get off soon.

The raven dipped his head down. A sweet, pink tongue peaked out from between the pillows of his lips. The planet creature's intensions were clear even if Naruto weren't making this up. No, he wasn't making this up, he was…_S'feek_. He was defeating himself.

Naruto groaned low in his throat when the wet protrusion began to run up and down his sensitized. It flicked at the many small veins spider-webbing across his length. It was incredible, the heat, the rush of sweet heady bliss flushing his cheeks. The raven's thick hair began to bounce as his head did the same. Hot wetness encased the blond and he cried out in frustrated need. It was so much. And when the planet creature started doing the sucking thing with his mouth while toying with the base of his cock, Naruto though he might actually come.

He could feel the burn deep in the pit of his stomach. He was almost there.

The raven hummed.

Naruto opened his mouth and cried out, thrusting his hips frantically; gripping the 'hue-mons' head and pounding roughly into that constricting heat. He thrashed and screamed, reveling in the pulse of adrenaline, the shock of…

Not coming…

He hadn't finished.

Another cry echoed into the Uchiha's quiet living room, this one of absolute frustration and excruciatingly painful need.

His cock had become fiery and inflamed. It felt as though he were fit to burst, and not in the way he wanted. The memory had only served to engorge him further and faster, not complete him like he had hoped. It was becoming more than he could bear. All other rational thought was driven quite entirely from his mind.

He needed…and that was all.

So when he opened his eyes and saw another, black pair staring back at him, he didn't question it. He took hold.

.XX.

If there was something Uchiha Sasuke expected to see when he walked into the alien's designated living room, it wasn't what he saw.

The spiky-haired moron was sitting on the couch, his couch, with Sasuke's sweatpants around his ankles and both wrapped around his…

And suddenly there were two more similarities between their respective species.

He was about to yell at the blond. He was going to scare him (because it was obviously a 'him') so badly he would never be able to form an erection again.

Fate, however, has a funny way of throwing kinks into even the most well laid plans.

The aliens began to scream, to writhe and moan, the volume rising as they went on. His hips started to thrust in a way that was blatantly sexual. Sweat beaded and trickled down the creature's temple, bouncing in time with his hips.

Was he...?

The alien screamed, but it wasn't the finalized outburst of a physically satisfied individual. It sounded, in fact, exactly the opposite. It was pathetic, needy.

Just as Sasuke realized that the alien's…he searched for the correct term…dick, had grown in size, blue eyes flashed open. And the raven was suddenly lock-eyed with a half-naked and very aroused extraterrestrial.

But for some reason, the shock and horror Sasuke had anticipated to see did not cross Naruto's features. His house guest didn't seem bothered in the slightest. Although, it did appear as though the blond was horny to the point of stupidity, considering the fact that Naruto had chosen to touch himself in full view of the unlocked door.

There was something else to those eyes that threw Sasuke though. The alien looked wanton. His half-lidded: screw what little brains I have out, weren't moving from the raven. They looked like they were begging, like he would do anything for Sasuke to spread him out on any surface without niceties and just…

Before the raven could recover from the initial shock of it all, Naruto had grabbed him by the front of his shirt and gave one swift tug.

He grunted as his body collided rather forcefully into the blonds' lean and surprisingly compact torso. He had time to do nothing more than blink before his hand was being pressed onto something which felt far more human than it ought to.

"Please," The alien's moan was hot and husky in his ear. "…assist me."

Now in order to fully understand the situation Sasuke had been put in, a single, vital tidbit of information must be fully disclosed: Uchiha Sasuke was gay.

He wasn't your stereotypical: I want to go shopping for hours on end/ will cry when watching a chick flick/ Oh my Gawd I love what you're done with your hair, gay man. He was more your: I despise women with the singular exception of the woman who birthed me/ I figure men are easier to deal with, sort.

That being said, Sasuke had never actually…turned that corner…done the deed…buried the bone…fed the kitty…okay, all those awful euphemisms aside; he had never gone past well…second base as it were. The long and short of it was: he'd never slept with anyone before. Okay, so once, but that it was in the true sense of the word and he considered it to have been a very poor life decision at the very naive age of three.

All he remembered was waking up with a mouth full of long dark hair and his mother standing over him and Neji with a camera.

She hadn't scrap booked that picture. Sasuke made certain that she never found it or the negatives.

All that to say: he had never been actively sexual; not even as far as it concerned other male someones. He just couldn't find anyone who wasn't too annoying for him to be around for an extended period of time, never mind 'getting it up' for that person.

He had just about decided that celibacy was a decent enough way of life (he always had work to fall back on after all) when…well…this alien crash landed in his back yard and this was suddenly happening.

Which led the raven back to his present situation: sprawled atop an alien being with his hand pressed into a very hot, very hard, very male body-part.

What to do…what to do…

The blond man's fingers wrapped around his own; slowly guiding them both slowly up and down the engorged length. Warm wetness trailed along the outer shell of his ear and suddenly Sasuke was being bathed in absolute pleasure. His heartbeat began hammering in his ears, but his blood was all travelling southwards in a rush so swift it left him light headed.

"Please…" The aliens' voice was thick and rough with lust. "It…hurts…please…"

Sasuke would be a fool not to admit that he found those whimpers incredibly enticing. But he also knew, from somewhere deep in the haze of pleasured touch, that the particular portion of anatomy pulsing in his hand which felt so human was in reality so very and literally alien.

'Do not ponder it.' The aliens' voice rippled through his mind. Somehow it wasn't as disturbing as before. Maybe that was just because he was slowly being intoxicated with sensation, or maybe it was just because he was holding onto a man's junk for the first time in years.

'You can take what pleasure you find from this experience. Embrace it, enjoy it and we will both have done each other a service.'

He had reasons why he didn't do things like this, good reasons. But as the blonds' words poured into his mind, he found it harder and harder to remember why exactly those reasons were so important.

Warmth and heady delight surged openly across his skin teasing and nipping as the aliens' fingers reached out and wrapped around his own startlingly upright cock. Well, of course, he tried to rationalize through the haze of hot heat, if he felt this good; it was only natural for his body to react.

'You hurt here as well.' The panting voice in his head moaned when Sasuke tightened his grip on the man's erection. 'We can…assuage the pain together.'

Another wave of sheer unadulterated bliss crashed over the Uchiha, warming him from the inside out and for the first time in the 24 hours Sasuke and Naruto had known one another…

They completely agreed.

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><p>AN: I will update my other stories, I promise. I'm just having trouble getting down what needs to happen. I will get done though. I won't leave you all.


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